A recent email from Donald Trump is an exclusive message for me unequaled anywhere else in the country. Nobody else got this message. Just me. It has just been “unlocked” to use the President’s words, as an “exclusive DOUBLE ENTRY” offer just for me. If I act now any contribution I make will be doubled, and I will “automatically be entered TWICE to win a trip to meet your favorite President at my upcoming event.”
Ye Gods, what good fortune is mine. And he goes on. “This offer is ONLY for you, Jeff , so please DO NOT share this.” He adds, as I doubtless am aware, this is a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet me …” He means himself.
But Team Trump writes with a darker message. “We all know that the DEEP STATE is out to get President Trump. They hate America, and they hate true Patriots like Jeff.” Italics theirs.
Another email. Just in time, “President Trump has activated an EMERGENCY 2020 PRESIDENTIAL DEFENSE FUND and he’s calling on his most fierce and loyal defenders to step up to the front lines of this nasty battle. …”
Nasty? Well, I guess. But they don’t know whom they’re dealing with. Now I am mad. “It’s the Deep State vs YOU, Jeff and we have to remind them that this is your country, not theirs.”
A day or two goes by, and I calm down. Then an email arrives from Eric Trump.
“Jeff, Where have you been? Each day my father sees an updated donor list and EACH DAY he notices that you STILL haven’t contributed.”
Eric lures me back. If I contribute any amount, “you’ll automatically reach VIP status and become a member of the Trump VIP Club.” Wowser! I better lie down. But, no dawdling. “This exclusive offer expires in ONE HOUR, Jeff. After that, you will permanently forfeit your potential status as a Trump VIP.”
Well, who can resist? Especially when the benefits include “Early Access to new Trump merchandise.”
Eric says, “I’ll be meeting with my father first thing tomorrow morning to review the updated list of Trump VIP Club members, and I want him to see Jeff from New York on there.”
I am just an ordinary Joe (oops, I mean Jeff) and I don’t know if I can resist much more of this. Can I ignore the call to exclusivity, offers made only for me? This is a chance for me to be somebody, for me to hob and nob with people who know people, and most importantly for me to help the President start the day on a hopeful note, rather than that nagging fear of rejection, when he doesn’t see my name taking up his gracious offer of inclusion? What kind of man am I?
But it’s Lara Trump who makes the case. Lara wraps up the situation. She writes:
“Jeff, Why didn’t you use your 500% MATCH?
President Trump specifically selected YOU for this exclusive opportunity, and he was disappointed that you failed to use your offer.
But since you’ve always been such a loyal supporter, I pulled some strings and have been authorized to EXTEND your 500% MATCH.
Your 500% MATCH extension is ONLY valid for 2 MORE HOURS, Jeff. After that, it will permanently expire.”
A 500% match!
Well, that shows love, don’t it. Lara pulled some strings. What a gal. I reach for my checkbook and my trusty old Esterbrook. Here you go. I will be a Trump Insider. I will be invited to the GOP Convention in Florida to meet the great man and be surrounded by other loyalists who have gotten this exclusive call. Florida! I’ll bet there’s going to be snacks.
I’ll bet Mitch McConnell will be there, too.
Jeff Danziger is a longtime cartoonist for the Rutland Herald and Times Argus. This column first appeared in The Washington Post.