The state of Vermont is underrepresented in Hollywood. When I grow up, I’m going to be a filmmaker, and I plan to rectify this situation. One day, I will meet with Hollywood executives and pitch the following concepts for movies about the Green Mountain State:
“Bernie and Clyde”
Follow the exploits of senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders and his barber, Clyde, as they go around the state collecting hair-brained schemes for improving the country. Ideas include Medicare for all, expanding Social Security, taxing the rich and free Wi-Fi for everyone.
“The Silence of the Lamp”s
Lloyd Bernier gets so fed up with the buzzing street light outside his house he takes matters into his own hands and shoots it out. News of Lloyd’s action spreads, and he is hired by residents in other towns to take care of their noisy streetlights.
“The Dark Night”
Sequel to “The Silence of the Lamps.” A man’s mission to shoot out buzzing streetlights throughout the state results in confusion and anger as people now have to deal with dark neighborhoods.
“Rebel without His Claws”
A New York City executive brings his indoor cat, Rebel, on a Vermont vacation, and the cat gets out of the rented cabin. In the feline’s quest to return to his owner, the defenseless Rebel must fight off coy dogs, fisher cats, hawks, bald eagles, bobcats, catamounts, jackalopes, Bigfoot, Yeti and Champ.
“Who Framed Roger’s Rabbit?”
A scandal arises at the Tunbridge World’s Fair’s agriculture exhibit. Gladys Pemberton’s prized bib lettuce sample has been pilfered, and all evidence points to Roger Tucker’s pet French Lop rabbit as the culprit. Innuendo, gossip, betrayal and a bumbling country lawyer lead this story to a dramatic conclusion.
“Alpaca Lips Now”
When Vermont alpaca farmer Justin Sanders attends an alpaca breeders convention and learns that the droopy lips on his alpacas are a sign that the animals are upset, he enlists the entire village of Roxbury to help calm his herd and make his alpacas happy.
“The Magnificent Seven-Eleven”
A documentary where a camera crew travels around Vermont interviewing flatlanders to determine what they miss most about their home state.
“The Invisible Salesman”
A mystery movie where a group of friends find themselves in a large department store in central Vermont looking for an employee for assistance, and all of the workers are gone — replaced by self-checkout registers.
“The May Tricks”
A documentary which explores the prolonged anticipation of spring’s arrival in Vermont due to Mother Nature’s numerous winter extension tactics.
“The Man Who Shot the Library Valance” A retiree who is driving his wife crazy during the long Vermont winter is beseeched to get a hobby. He decides to visit various libraries around the state, take photographs of their unique window drapes and post them online.
“The Crying Game Warden”
After his first visit to a reporting station during deer season, a new Fish and Wildlife employee determines he watched the movie Bambi too many times as a child to properly perform his job.
“Matt on a Hot Tin Roof”
A true survival film about Matt Landis, a Victory resident who picked the hottest day of the summer to make repairs to his standing-seam roof. When his ladder falls to the ground, Matt has to live on his roof for three days before being rescued.
“Gone with the Wind Turbines”
Interviews with environmentalists and representatives of The American Bird Conservancy who discuss the tens of thousands of birds killed annually by wind energy.
A town worker relegated to odd jobs finds himself undertaking the prestigious plow truck duties when the usual driver calls in sick the night of a big storm.
“The Six Cents”
After paying his mortgage, property tax, sales tax on online purchases, income tax, car payment and making a donation to the local Boy Scouts, a Vermont man has to decide how to spend the money that he has left from his paycheck.
“The Hills Have Ice”
A local couple is trapped in their house after freezing rains render travel down from their mountain impossible.
“Who’s Afraid of Virginia’s Wolf Hybrid?”
Panic ensues when Virginia gets a wolf hybrid, brings it to the local dog park, and several small dogs come up missing.
“Live and Let Diet”
A fair vendor raises an uproar in the nutrition community when he writes the Fried Dough Diet, a book promoting the health benefits of an regime consisting exclusively of consuming fried dough.
“The French Toast Connection”
An egg shortage in the state causes alarm when restaurants and diners are unable to prepare French toast. A network of out-of-state breakfast preparers are enlisted to resolve the problem.
Mark S. Albury lives in Northfield Falls.