Well, Christmas is only 17 days away. What a great time to offer our readers an array of gifts, straight from the Camp Swampy Catalog. But this year, we are going out of our way to offer some must-have presents for the older folks who still have the mustard to get out there and hunt.
Grandpamps: Yeah, we all know what sometimes happens up there in that tree stand. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Just sit back and let it happen. Caution: Make sure you are downwind from where you expect that great buck to show up. Price for a package of six Grandpamps: $55.55.
Cane-rifle: Hey, we know what it’s like to get old. Just getting out to the tree stand can be a real chore. Well, we have just the thing for you, Pops: A cane that doubles as a rifle. Just amble along (take your time) and, in the event you happen to bump into a nice buck, all you’ve got to do is lean up against a nearby tree, look down the barrel and let it fly. Watch out for the kick-back though. It can be nasty. Price: $345. Discount for anyone over 80: $335.
Real-life, blow-up doe decoy: Can’t get a buck near your tree stand? Tried to carry out that life-like, full-size doe decoy and almost got shot a few years back? Well, if you can blow up balloons for the birthdays of your grandchildren, you can get down with this hot mama. But bring some good lungs. And be sure to tie her down. Last year, I got this baby all set up, forgot to tie her to the ground and watched her sail away towards Hubbardton. Price: $199.99
Game warden, blow-up buddy: Hey, you’re old. I know. Time is running out and you are sometimes tempted to, you know, kind of break the law. Have you taken a good, long look at yourself lately? If you get caught and they suspend your license for three years, we’re probably talking about an end-of-life suspension. The next time that illegal spike horn comes ambling by, just take a long, hard look at that fake game warden and … well, you’re gonna have to decide what to do. Price: $299.99 (fake gun and badge included).
Tree stand deer monitor: Let’s be honest. If I am up at 4:30 a.m. for a day full of hunting, there’s no way I am not going to slip into gaa-gaa land at some point. And you can bet your favorite deer rifle that, just as you are nodding off, some massive eight-point buck is going to amble by. Well, don’t you worry, Bubba. Just set out our super-battery-powered deer monitor. If a deer passes the invisible ray, extended out for 90 yards, you will get a gentle electric jolt, right where you sit, and will be up and ready to fill that buck tag. Special price: $899.99
Tree stand alarm clock: OK, so you cannot afford the monitor but still need a little nap up there in the tree stand. The nap is needed, but you’ve got to get back hunting. After one hour, your all-camouflaged clock sends out a mighty buck grunt, loud enough to both wake you and to alert any buck within a quarter mile. Price: $75.
Tag-along wife/husband: You’ve always wanted your hubby to come along and watch you tag that elusive buck. But he/she just ain’t interested. Well, we can rent you a partner, out there for a day. An old partner, who will probably never stop talking and will surely scare any buck away within a mile. Still, you always wanted that company, right? Comes complaining too, just like your real hubby. Only a one-time offer because that will be all you can stand. Price: $350 for a day.
Deer huntin’ diary, with pen: Just the thing for jotting down all of that wildlife activity, while it happens. You know how it is; you come back after a long day out in the woods, too tired to write it down and, when you finally have found the time, why, you’ve just about forgotten everything (you know, just like when you head down to the cellar to pick up some frozen peas and wind up coming back upstairs, empty handed, only to hear the love of your life tell you what a knucklehead you are, what with all of that forgetting.) Now what was I talking about? Oh yeah, that diary and pen thing. Why, you’ll be so busy writing about screaming squirrels and angry blue jays, you’re likely to forget about deer hunting, just like that time — once again — you forgot all about your darling’s birthday. Price, cheap: $6.99.
Final note: Got nothing for you younger folks this year, except for this advice: Laugh it up, all you want. But your day is a-coming. Oh, yes it is. Then, it won’t be so funny.
Hurry. Full guarantee until day of delivery. Send cash only: Camp Swampy Catalog, 666 Sunset Blvd., Portage, Maine 99999 and a Merry Christmas, you old fool!
Contact Dennis Jensen at firstname.lastname@example.org