The 30th Summer Olympics are under way in London. But you don’t have to fly across the pond to enjoy the thrill of watching competitors at the pinnacle of physical conditioning perform feats of athletic prowess. We have our own Olympics right here in Vermont. Follow the action on a typical Saturday in the life of Northfield Falls resident.

Announcer #1: “Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to the Route 100 swimming hole in Waitsfield for the first event on our schedule today. This promises to be a very exciting performance.”

Announcer #2: “That’s right, Bob. This is the combination Synchronized Swimming/Swimsuit Pull. The way it works is that our athlete mounts the rock on the other side of the swimming hole, takes a dive into the water, and tries not to lose his swim trunks. Style points are awarded for the second portion of the event, which consists of yanking the suit up from the lower thighs into position around the waist upon exit from the pool.”

Announcer #1: “Mark Albury from Northfield Falls approaches the rock. He’s wearing an older pair of swim trunks that are missing the lace to tie the suit tight, so this could be very interesting.”

Announcer #2: “And there he goes! What a big splash! By the look on his face as he surfaces, I believe that his suit is completely down around his ankles. He is floundering around trying to rectify the situation, and here come a few women approaching the rock to add to his sense of urgency.

Announcer #1: “I think he has the suit up close to his waist, and just in time, as he is approaching shore. I did see a large portion of his buttocks, which will surely be reflected in the final scoring.”

Announcer #2: “And now, as he walks onto the beach we will witness the important “yank up” move. His suit is completely twisted around so that the front is in the back. He is going to have to be very careful of the wedgie factor. He’s reaching back, and in one movement he rectifies the twist and brings the suit to waist level.”

Announcer #1: “No question about it. He is good.”

Announcer #2: “Our second event for the day brings us to Berlin Pond Road.”

Announcer #1: “Security is tight here. I just saw a kayaker being led away in handcuffs. And there is an angler being wrestled to the ground by local authorities.”

Announcer #2: “No reason to take any chances and endanger these elite athletes.”

Announcer #1: “We’re here for the challenging Deer Fly Swat. Our contestant will go for a five-mile run, and in the course of his jog will see how many deer flies he can kill.”

Announcer #2: “Points are scored not only on fly kills, but also on style, form, and the absence of personal injury. This can be a very dangerous endeavor.”

Announcer #1: “As Mark starts his run the flies immediately begin to harass him. They especially seem to be enjoying the top of his head.”

Announcer #2: “He is swatting them, but the flies are too quick. He’s landing most of the blows directly to his head and slapping himself silly. This is turning into one big self-flagellation session.”

Announcer #1: “As for form, he looks like a Hindu Goddess with multiple arms frantically addressing an itch. If he doesn’t stop smacking himself he isn’t going to make it. He’s starting to stagger to the side of the road. It appears that Mark is going to get a DNF on this event.”

Announcer #2: “That’s too bad. Well, we do have one more event on the slate for today. For the final challenge, Mark will be headed to Northfield Falls for the very complex Hop, Skip and Jump.”

Announcer #1: “Mark has just returned from the food store and will attempt this maneuver with an armful of groceries. Upon entering the house he will perform the first part of this three-step maneuver by stubbing his pinkie toe on the chair in the hallway as he kicks off his sandals.”

Me: “AHHHH!”

Announcer #2: “Well played. Now he will hop on his good foot while scattering his armful of purchases all over the room.”

Announcer #1: “And the final maneuver is to jump over the dog, who is lying on the floor taking care of some very personal grooming and showing no motivation to move.”

Announcer #2: “As well-executed of a Hop, Skip and Jump as we have seen in recent weeks.”

Announcer #1: “Yes, that was wonderful. And now our athlete will take a much-deserved break to see how the real Olympians are doing on TV. For all of us here at the On the Mark column, have a nice day.”



Mark S. Albury lives in Northfield Falls.