Salmon flu FAQ
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Published: November 14, 2009
he Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released new salmon flu estimates that suggest the number of people affected by the disease is much greater than the 27 cases confirmed earlier. Press reports say as many as 409 Vermonters were infected with salmon flu during the first few days of the pandemic, according to the estimates of covert operatives inside Vermont Fish and Wildlife. Scientists at the CDC estimate that between one and a bazillion million Americans were infected from mid-April through October 31st. The figures are the CDC's most specific calculation to date. They also estimated that between 9,000 and a zillion gajillion million hours of "chore time," "family time" and "spooning" has gone unfinished or not even been started. Hospitalizations that occurred during this time were often related to thrown objects, blunt force trauma, or psychological trips of guilt.
What is salmon flu?
Salmon influenza is a disease of fishermen involving the inherent desire to have fun, catch fish, and be somewhere close to water. Salmon flu causes high levels of calling in sick and tall tales. The disease may circulate throughout the year, but most outbreaks occur during the late fall and spring months coinciding with the salmon life cycle or their desire for cold water. The classical salmon flu (an influenza type U C1C1- for "you catch one, you clean one") was first discovered in humans many moons ago at a family picnic in Adamant, Vt.
How does salmon flu spread?
The disease is spread primarily through word of mouth. In most cases, a person has gone out for a day of salmon fishing and had an incredible time, resulting in the strong desire to do it again as soon as possible. Telephone, Internet message boards, and e-mails are also means of transmitting the disease, although because they lack a way to physically demonstrate the size of the fish caught (it was "this" big) the probability of infection is lessened.
How is salmon flu diagnosed?
To diagnose a salmon flu infection, a licensed psychologist must hear in great detail the story associated with the "incredible" day, in order to determine its validity and the competence of the fisherman. The story must be told within the first four or five days following the event (when the infected person is most likely still reliving its magnitude). However, some persons, especially children, should be spoken to earlier, because they have shorter attention spans and most don't remember what they had for breakfast.
What are the symptoms of salmon flu?
In addition to the desire to be fishing constantly, the symptoms of salmon flu in people are similar to what happens during deer season, but centered mostly on fishing. Wandering around aimlessly in local tackle stores, browsing Cabelas and Bass Pro Shops websites, the endless taping and coloring of small pieces of metal, obsessive compulsive maintenance of rods and reels and the ease with which the words "I love you" roll off your significant others tongue as they leave for the lake "one last time." Other symptoms include hallucinations, bad vibrations, poor vision, court dockets, thin wallets, random paternity suits from unknown sources and grandiose delusions where you believe you've become David Lee Roth. (Might as well jump!)
Can people catch Salmon Flu from eating salmon?
No. The salmon flu is not transmitted by food. You cannot get it from eating salmon or other tasty fish. Eating a properly handled salmon is perfectly safe. Cook your salmon properly, and serve with a starch and vegetable. Depending on the preparation, salmon dishes can be paired with a spectrum of wines, including Champagne, Chardonnay and Pinot Noir. (Note: Preparing salmon for a significant other does however influence their desire to allow the infected person to continue suffering the disease, especially if it's good cooking.)
How many "fishy" viruses are there?
Like all viruses, they change constantly. Fishermen can be infected by bass flu and walleye flu as well as salmon flu. When multiple flu viruses from different species infect a fisherman, they can reassort (i.e. swap genes) and new viruses that are a mix of bass, salmon and/or walleye flu viruses can emerge. Over the years, different variations have emerged leading to the dreaded "multi-species" virus, which can easily account for the nation's poor economy due to the use of too many sick days, and the adult-onset disease informally known as "selective listening."
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