The hidden epidemic: Trying to ease the crisis of domestic violence
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Meg Kuhner sits in a reception area of the Barre office of the battered women's shelter that she co-directs. Stefan Hard/Times Argus |
Toolbox
By Mel Huff Times Argus Staff - Published: December 24, 2008
BARRE – Vermont's sheltering hills and snug homesteads obscure a startling reality: Domestic violence is the state's leading cause of violent death. From 1994 to 2007, it accounted for slightly more than half of all homicides. In 2007, 64 percent of homicides were related to domestic violence. That makes Vermont a national leader in battering: On average, only a third of female murder victims in the United States were killed by intimate partners:
The Battered Women's Shelter and Services of Washington County is trying to do something about the statistics with a three-pronged program targeting response to the immediate needs of victims, raising awareness about the underlying cultural beliefs that support abuse, and advocating for changes in the law.
The local Battered Women's Shelter is a member of a statewide coalition of agencies – the Vermont Network Against Domestic and Sexual Violence – that maintains an office in Montpelier to provide information to legislators and policy-makers about the issue.
The agency's services include a hotline, staffed round-the-clock by trained volunteer advocates, and a spacious six-bedroom shelter, renovated four years ago. Volunteers field some 300 calls a month on the hotline; on a recent weekday morning, they had taken calls from six different people before noon.
Services also include a prevention program that focuses on educating men, women and children about the contribution of stereotypical gender images to domestic violence and what healthy relationships look like, since changing cultural norms is seen as key to eradicating abuse.
Meg Kuhner, the shelter's co-director and education and outreach coordinator, was initially hired as the youth coordinator. Kuhner gives presentations to middle- and high-school classes on healthy relationships, gender stereotypes and bullying, and she co-facilitates a group for teen mothers at Head Start in Barre.
A former elementary school teacher, she would like to give more presentations to young children and address the beliefs that underlie abuse early on. Kuhner places bullying – "objectifying and being mean to another person" – on a continuum with domestic violence.
Kuhner also co-facilitates an Intensive Domestic Abuse Program for the Department of Corrections, working with batterers three times a week. Batterers are not primarily motivated by anger, Kuhner says, nor are they mentally ill. She characterizes battering as a "lifestyle choice." Batterers are motivated by a desire for control and exhibit a lack of empathy, she says. As a man in one of her groups explained, "Abuse is the key to getting my own needs met."
People often ask why women don't just leave an abuser.
Says Kuhner, "A better question is, 'What are the barriers to her leaving?' or 'Why does he do it?'" A battered woman may not have a phone, a car or a job: Isolation is a tool of control.
"It's more like living as a hostage," Kuhner says. "It's like living with your own personal terrorist." Sometimes it takes months or years of planning for a woman to be able to leave her abuser safely. People don't ask hostages why they didn't just walk out, Kuhner notes.
Since a battered woman is at greatest risk when she decides to leave or has recently left a relationship, she will be referred to a shelter in a town other than the one she lives in. "She can't walk safely on the streets," Kuhner explains. The women in the Washington County shelter come not only from other places in the county, but also the state or even the nation. Some women choose a shelter in Vermont because their abuser would never think of looking for them there.
On average, a woman stays in the shelter three or four months. "These are women whose autonomy in making decisions has been taken away," she said. "A lot of them are afraid to go out in public." The shelter is not "just a place to put your feet up," Kuhner notes. It connects women with job opportunities, counseling and other supports that prepare them to live independently.
The agency provides services to men as well as women, although women make up 90 percent of the victims of abuse. "Pain has no gender," Kuhner says, but she observes that men don't stay at the shelter because "it's not safe for women who are terrified of men."
Battering, Kuhner maintains, "is really a human rights problem. People get afraid of the word 'feminist,' but it means that women are fully human."
Kuhner attributes her involvement in abolishing domestic violence to the fact that she had "fabulous parents." Her mother was a strong, intelligent woman who headed many boards in the New Hampshire town where Kuhner grew up. Kuhner says her mother had an unusual amount of freedom for the 1950s and her father "really respected my mother .. and treated Mom as an equal. I learned over the years that that is not always true."
Kuhner is an optimist, perhaps because she take a broad view of history.
In the 19th century, she notes, there was not even language for talking about domestic violence. In the 1970s, when the battered women's movement started, abuse became recognized as a problem, not only in our culture but worldwide. In 1994, it became illegal in Vermont for a man to rape his wife. Now, she says, "Protecting women and holding batterers responsible is gaining traction."
For the last two years, motivated by data on the role of domestic violence in homicides and in homelessness among women and children, Vermont's Senate Judiciary Committee made the issue a major focus. In May, after two years of research, hearings and committee work, the Legislature passed S.357, a domestic violence omnibus bill that raises the maximum penalty for domestic violence from 12 to 18 months and adds many protections for the victims of abuse.
At 60, Kuhner is still passionate about her work. "Whether I'm working for victims or supporting men's change, it feels the same," she says. "It's great to be a part of a social movement, a grassroots movement toward equality."
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP?
Kuhner says The Battered Women's Shelter and Services of Washington County welcomes volunteers – "they make a huge contribution to the agency" – and financial donations. The shelter also would appreciate donations of books and videos to put in Washington County libraries. For a list, call 1-877-543-9498.